Become happy with The Four Agreements

A few years ago, in the midst of a relationship with my twin flame, I was being tormented by my own emotions and my reactivity on a daily basis. I was utterly exhausted. This had to stop. But how? None of my attempts to change had any positive results.

One day after another violent fight, I said to myself: I need to do something to reach self-mastery. I wanted to become emotionally stable and balanced. But how could I achieve that when the relationship was so stormy?

“Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art.” ― Don Miguel Ruiz,

I had no idea where to find answers.

My cry for help was heard a few days later. A book came my way. It was a little book called The Four Agreements, written by Don Miguel Ruiz.

So, why is this book so unique?

To me, it explains very simply how you can develop a state of being that drastically lowers the drama quotient in your life. It describes four simple ways of being, not easy to integrate into your life, but profoundly life-changing when you do.

1. Be impeccable with your words.

Being impeccable with your words is about much more than just being polite and accurate. Words are mighty and powerful. Words can alter lives. Words can kill. Words can make you fall in love. Words can jolt you out of a depression or into a dark place. Gossiping, manipulation, judging, and complaining erode trust and destroy relationships.

Most of us have not had good modeling around being impeccable with our words. People in films, TV shows, and on social media talk to each other in ways that are unloving, unkind, disrespectful, hurtful, diminishing, humiliating, and attacking.

Most of the time, we’re not even aware of the degree to which we are not impeccable with our words.

“We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally, they fall short of our expectations.” ― Miguel Ruiz

Tools like nonviolent communication or heart communication can be potent tools to help you become impeccable with your words, as can avoiding conversations when you’re in a reactive and emotional state.

Be very mindful of manipulation, sarcasm, and passive-aggressive ways of communication. Being impeccable with your words goes deeper. You can speak seemingly impeccable words on the surface, but your tone of voice and body language is sending a completely different message.

Be mindful of all facets of your being when you have a conversation, what you say, your tone of voice, and your body language.

The most beautiful reward of being impeccable with your words is that people will listen to you. People will love, trust, and open their hearts to you. Harvest the incredibly beautiful gifts that come with speaking in this ‘heartful’ way.

However, being impeccable with your words doesn’t mean that you can’t speak up for yourself. It has nothing to do with avoiding conflict or being cowardly in communication. It’s about being compassionate and understanding. Find ways to express yourself in a very personal, loving, open, and real, truthful way, away from manipulation, hidden messages of anger, blame, and reactivity.

WHICH QUESTIONS CAN I ASK MYSELF:

• Am I speaking my truth?
• Am I speaking from a place of hurt, contempt, judgment or anger?
• Am I defending myself?
• Am I trying to manipulate a situation or a person?
• What are my real motivations for what I am saying?

2. Do not take anything personally.

This is a tough one to integrate into your life. To understand why you shouldn’t take anything personally, you need to go a bit deeper into the ego-construct.

Imagine someone says something very hurtful to you. Our first reaction is to take it personally, defend ourselves, get angry, or walk away. We don’t consider that the other person’s perception of us has much more to do with their personal baggage than with the lived experience in the moment.

Another person in the same situation will have a completely different reaction. So, the response an individual has is entangled with his or her personality, experience in life, personal wounding, and psychological construct.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” ― Don Miguel Ruiz

That’s why it’s vital to distinguish a reaction and behavior from your own person. It doesn’t mean you should never listen to what people say to you anymore. Just keep in mind that the way people say things to you is never, ever personal. This is true for hurtful things. But also for things like, “you’re so beautiful” or “you’re so smart”.

Once you start to understand and apply it, not taking things personally will improve your life quality significantly. At the same time, it is an excellent guide for you as well. When you feel irritation, anger or hurt, your emotional response is mostly caused by things that haven’t been healed. Instead of acting out, use these emotions as a messenger to yourself.

WHICH QUESTIONS CAN I ASK MYSELF:

• Is the reaction that this person or I have very emotional?
• What is the deeper message here, what are they really trying to say?
• What tries to emerge from the field?
• Which pain is voicing a message here?
• What is the message for me?

3. Do not make any assumptions.

When I became aware of how many assumptions I made every day, I was amazed — assumptions about what I thought something meant, about what others are feeling, what their intention is, etc. Once I started asking clarifying questions, I learned how often I’d been wrong.

The problem is that we so often react based on an assumption instead of what really happened. We tend to make a lot of assumptions based on cultural, social, and personal beliefs, values, and experiences. Our endless need to make sense out of life will try to fill in the blanks.

“Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system.” ― Miguel Ruiz

When we stop making assumptions and instead ask clarifying questions, we get a completely different connection with people — a deeper understanding of who they are, how they think, how they feel.

In my experience, most of the time, people have good intentions. It is our personal baggage that makes us look through the lens of hurt and suspicion instead of seeing things for what they are.

WHICH QUESTIONS CAN I ASK MYSELF:

• Is there another possible perspective?
• Do I have all the information needed to understand what is happening here?
• What if this is not what I think it is?
• What if it is something else?

4. Always do your best

Doing your best means being in action and taking part in the creation of your life. Doing your best has nothing to do with accolades or achievements, it has everything to do with acting from love and serving the greater good through your actions.

It means that you are present in every aspect of your life, mindful of everything you do. You are connected with your purpose, always doing your best at any given moment.

Not overachieving, nor underachieving. Being in balance.

WHICH QUESTIONS CAN I ASK MYSELF:

• Am I doing the best I can?
• Do I overachieve?
• Is my focus in the present moment?
• Am I distracting myself?
• Am I lost in thinking?

Final thoughts

Integrating the four agreements into my life was an incredibly liberating experience, though it took a while because they’re somewhat counterintuitive to what we learn in our education, in our culture, and in the Western world.

We do not learn to be impeccable with our words. On the contrary, we have a deep habit of being very mean and hurtful with words, and there are almost no role models out there for teaching us differently.

We do not learn that what others say is not personal. On the contrary, we over-identify with our outer world to such an extent that most of us have forgotten who we are. We are not our house, car, status or looks. To put it bluntly, “whatever other people think about you is none of your business.”

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ― Don Miguel Ruiz

The amount of hurt we create for ourselves based on assumptions is tremendous. We love to be right and to believe that others are wrong. We have forgotten how to be silent, listening, and curious. Next time, ask yourself, “what if nobody is misbehaving?”

We do not learn to be in action in a balanced way. Most of us are goal-oriented overachievers. We burn ourselves out because we are not present in the now but live in a hypothetical future most of the time. Grounding in the here and now and connecting with your purpose means becoming real.

Life unfolds from that place with grace and ease.

Embodying the Four Agreements in your life is a gift to yourself and your loved ones. It will change your life profoundly.

TIP 1: Learn the Four Agreements by heart.

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

TIP 2: Read the book: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Don Miguel Ruiz