Fixed vs. Growth Mindset — Your Mindset Matters.
For years, I was struggling with my partner whenever something needed to be learned or changed. It puzzled me greatly why we would get into arguments over these beautiful opportunities to learn and grow. But when I read Carol Dweck’s book Mindset, it all made perfect sense. I had a growth mindset, and my partner a fixed one. Unknowingly I hurt him badly every time I came up with something I wanted to address as a couple because what he heard in these situations was that he was not good enough. According to his fixed mindset, growing is not an option, so he felt defeated. Changing that perspective changed our relationship profoundly.
Carol Dweck’s argument is that your mindset significantly influences whether you achieve the things you want and how you reach them. Although her book is very general about life, work, learning, education, family, etc. It was immediately clear that your “mindset”, as she describes it, also has a tremendous influence on our relationships.
This is something I know for a fact: You have to work hardest for the things you love most.- Carol S. Dweck
Carol Dweck explains that:
PEOPLE WITH A FIXED MINDSET THINK
…that your qualities are carved in stone. The fixed mindset creates an urgency to want to prove yourself time and time again. If you only have a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character — well, you better prove that they are the best they can be. It simply cannot be that you would fall short of the most basic features.
PEOPLE WITH A GROWTH MINDSET THINK
… that the challenges you are given are just the starting point for development. The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people can differ in any way — in their initial talents and abilities, interests, or temperament — anyone can change and grow through application and practice.
HOW DOES IT WORK IN RELATING?
When two people with a fixed mindset are relating, they will take each other into account, causing few problems. When you both have a growth mindset, this also causes fewer issues because both find it normal to “grow” in trials.
But when fixed and growth mindset are relating, significant problems arise, leaving serious wounds, misunderstandings, and a feeling of being rejected.
THE RELATING DYNAMICS WITH GROWTH AND FIXED MINDSET
When obstacles arise, the person who has a growth mindset perceives this as a signal to improve, learn, or develop their skills. They think, “What is not good now can be learned.”
However, when they express this idea to someone with a fixed mindset, their reaction will be defensive and pained. Someone with a fixed mindset assumes that there is nothing to learn. You either have ‘it,’ or you don’t.
So if you ask them to improve something in the relationship, they will understand that as a veiled criticism. The message they hear is, “You don’t have what it takes. You are not good enough.” Instead of hearing an invitation to learn and grow together, they feel they have failed their partner.
The partner with the growth mindset, on the other hand, sees the refusal to engage with the invitation to improve the relationship from their partner. This feels hurtful to them as if their partner said, “our relationship is not important to me,” they feel rejected.
Only once you recognize this dynamic, you can take the first steps towards a solution.
“The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life. — Carol S. Dweck
HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHICH MINDSET YOU HAVE?
People who have a fixed mindset:
- Dislike and avoid challenges for fear of not being smart or talented enough
- Will only take on a challenge if they are sure they will succeed.
- Lose interest when a task becomes more difficult
- Should be rewarded for their efforts, even if they have done very little. Become discouraged after one setback, rejection, or failure and never want to try again afterward.
- Give up easily
- Look down on people who “learn” something.
- Find people who make an effort or work hard for something stupid. They assume that they have to because those people are probably not smart enough.
People with a growth mindset:
- Seek challenges and thrive under pressure
- Are more motivated when the going gets tough
- Do not let one mistake or setback determine their full potential
- Believe that hard work is essential because natural talent is simply not enough
- Usually love what they do
- See each challenge as an invitation to learn something.
Unfortunately, a lot of people have a fixed mindset because of our education and current school culture. As a child, they are often adored and valued for their good grades (results).
While people with a growth mindset are mainly taught that their effort is more essential than the result.
If you are in a “mixed relationship,” it is essential to know that you can learn to develop a growth mindset. A person with a fixed mindset believes that they cannot learn. So growing to a growth mindset is the first challenge. But I’d love to encourage all of us to adopt a growth mindset. If you think you have a fixed mindset I would encourage you to read her book. You will love it.
TIP: Read Professor Carol Dweck’s book Mindset.
