Peace and Harmony for all through Nonviolent Communication
WHY IS NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION SO POWERFUL?
Learning how to communicate with others effectively is key to building peaceful relationships and a harmonious world.
Every time we put out a judgmental statement, it will create defensiveness and pain. Alternatively, a simple inquiry into a more profound motivation could help find a resolution and clarity. Violently talking to others disconnects us from our own compassionate selves, making us more violent then we intend to be as individuals and societies.
Alienating conversations creates enormous gaps between people: moralistic judgment, insults, criticism, and labels indicate that someone different from your values acts wrongly.
Unfortunately, we often tend to use language that cuts the flow of open dialogue. Even worse, we hurt the people we are talking to. Every time our words put up walls instead of creating bridges, we add negative energy to our connections. When we engage in any alienating communication, we prevent compassion in any society. And that is why NVC is so vital to all of us.
Communicate with compassion
Mahatma Gandhi used nonviolence to refer to our hearts’ natural state, free from violence and full of compassion. Communication refers to the NVC conception of language that defines the relationships we have with ourselves and others. The two combined create a communicative approach that makes us more aware of the words we use and how we listen to others.
One of the main strengths of the NVC approach is that it helps us communicate our feelings clearly. It does so by encouraging us to observe objectively, identify our needs, and communicate compassionately.
The four steps of NVC
A typical NVC request has four steps that open the path for a heart-centered conversation.
STEP 1: Observe the situation objectively.
Describe neutrally what you observe. No judgment, assumptions, nor emotions are voiced in that first sentence.
Focus your energy on the present moment. Listen attentively to what the other person is saying, and ask yourself how it affects your well-being. Engage your senses, touch, sight, and sound to connect with the situation as much as possible.
Avoid generalizing your arguments, be as specific as you can. It’s also essential to distinguish between observation and evaluation. Indian philosopher J Krishnamurti wrote that “observing without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence.” Making the distinction between observation and criticism or judgment can be difficult, but it is imperative to a good NVC dialogue.
The phrase “my colleague is always late” is an evaluation. Whereas, “my colleague does not arrive before 8:30 am” is more exact. Similarly, “you rarely take my advice” is an evaluation. A more accurate observation would be “the previous three times I offered advice you refuse to accept.”
A specific observation reduces the likelihood of misunderstanding. Because observation is free of criticism, it prevents the recipient of your message from becoming defensive.
EXAMPLES OF STEP 1:
- “You have been home late often lately…”
- “We have not spent some time together for a while now…”
- “There have been more arguments than before the past weeks…”
STEP 2: State how the observation is making you feel.
The next step is to learn how to fully express our own feelings and to communicate as effectively as possible. This is often challenging because we are rarely asked to analyze our real emotions.
The best way to express our feelings is by being specific, connected, and real. For example, we often use the verb “feel” without actually communicating any of our emotions. Using a common expression like “I feel a bit down” is vague and fails to convey your actual emotional state.
However, connecting with your emotions and finding accurate language will help you describe your feelings more clearly.
The best way to start putting this into practice is by expanding your vocabulary. A broad scope of words will offer you a more extensive range of emotions to express your feelings.
Give a narrative of your experience, and say how you felt as they happened. Finally, you’ll need to learn how to express your vulnerability. Neglecting your true feelings will create undesired tension among colleagues, friends, and family. Expressing your emotions can be very vulnerable or perceived as a sign of weakness.
Take responsibility for your feelings. First, observe, identify your feelings and needs, and then make a clear request.
When you start exploring your feelings, you will uncover a hidden, unfilled need under each negative emotion. Connecting to those needs and voicing your feelings is part of maturing, gaining emotional freedom, and establishing emotional safety in all your relationships.
EXAMPLES OF STEP 2:
- “I feel lonely, and I miss your company…”
- “I feel disconnected and unloved…”
- “I feel a lot of anxiety and hurt because of this…”
STEP 3: Connect with a need.
We are all striving to meet our needs. When they are met, we are happy and feel good. But when they are not, negative emotions will alarm us that there is a need that needs attention, to rebalance our well-being.
It is a very normal process, and it is happening all the time. The reason this is so challenging is that people barely practice it.
Instead, we all fall into blaming or judging others. The blame game is a classic catch 22 because we do not express our unfulfilled needs, but still blame others for not fulfilling them.
As directly as you can, expressing our own needs can feel scary because we are not used to doing so. But if you want to be understood by your loved ones, and open their hearts to your personal needs, you honestly need to express yourself.
The more straightforward you are about your needs, the easier it will be for other people to meet your needs compassionately. People love to fulfill the needs of their loved ones when they come from and heart-centered place.
EXAMPLES OF STEP 3:
- “I need clarity and new arrangements…”
- “I need to reconnect with you to spend quality time together…”
- “I need to understand what is going on for you…”
STEP 4: Make a request
Verbalize what you desire to meet your needs
Make a straightforward question that describes what you need. The clearer you are about what you want, the more likely we will get it. Formulate your requests in a positive proposal, so others can know what they need to do. A positive request is when you ask for something that can be done. A negative request is when you ask to stop doing something.
EXAMPLES OF STEP 4:
- “How would you feel that we agree on seeing each other one day a week?”
- “Could we go out next week to our favorite restaurant?”
- “Can we have a conversation about what is going on here?”
THE MOST COMMON NEEDS, AN OVERVIEW.
Most of us have no idea what our most common needs are to have a fulfilling human experience. Here are the list most common needs to use for yourself when you want to dig deeper.
Source NVC website (https://www.cnvc.org/)
CONNECTION: acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self-respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand and be understood, trust, warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING: air, food, movement/exercise, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch, water
HONESTY: authenticity, integrity, presence
PLAY: joy, humor
PEACE: beauty, communion, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration, order
AUTONOMY: choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity
MEANING: awareness, the celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding
Nonviolent communication is a very deep and extended work, created by Marchal Rozenberg. There is much more out there to discover. You will love it.
IF YOU WANT MORE, START HERE:
- Read his book: Marchal Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication.
- Discover the website of the center for nonviolent communication https://www.cnvc.org/
- Look at his training video, it is amazing https://youtu.be/UEqmZ2E1o64/
Blessings and Gratitude
Giulia May
