The Emotional Bank Account

What has a bank account to do with emotions? Well, more than you think!

Somehow we measure all our relationships in a very similar way: “as a real bank account.” We keep a balance of each transaction of all our relationships. Relationships that we experience as “good” have a positive balance. Bad relationships have a negative balance. And most of us are not even conscious that we all keep the score. But how can you maintain this balance in check?

How does the balance work?

Each time you express yourself in a friendly, loving, appreciative way, you add a positive value to the account. When you are negative, have a fight, use contempt, be critical, the balance goes down. Simple, isn’t it?

A relationship with a lot of negativity to it will suffer and goes bankrupt at the end. That is why it’s essential to have a clear understanding of this invisible bank account that we all keep for each relationship. All of them!

What lowers your emotional credit?

All negative expressions impact the balance. John Gottman describes four styles of conflict that have a more significant impact than all the others combined. John Gottman describes four types of arguing that is incredibly toxic to any relationship. They are predictors of a break in the relationship and should be avoided as much as possible.

The four horsemen of the Apocalypse

1. Criticism: verbally attacking the personality of the other.
2. Contempt: making fun of the other person, being diminishing.
3. Defensiveness: defending yourself, making excuses.
4. Stonewalling: rejecting the other, negating.

When one or more of these horsemen are frequently used in a relationship, they predict an almost inevitable breakup of the relationship.

“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
― John M. Gottman

What raises your emotional credit?

Dr. Stephen R. Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, defines 6 ways to build a positive account in any relationship. You can see them as ways of being that support any relationship. I also highly recommend The Four Agreements as an inspiration to strengthen your relationships.

1. Understanding the individual:
2. Attend to the little things, which are the big things in relationships.
3. Keep commitments.
4. Clarify expectations.
5. Show personal integrity.
6. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal.

What else can add to a positive relationship?

Every appreciation given with love will add to your emotional bank account. In a very similar way that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predict an almost inevitable breakup, the 5 Love Languages will give your relationships an immense amount of extra goodwill.

Dr. Gary Chapman discovered that people do not experience love in the same way. How we do feel love is very personal and rooted in our education. Because most of us are not aware of these distinctions, we tend to express love for others in our own favored way. But if they’re not expressed in their preferred way, people will not welcome it as you would assume. They might even not feel it at all.

The 5 Love Languages

1. Words of affirmation: say kind and appreciative things
2. Gifts: presents, the gesture is more important then the value
3. Acts of service: do something, helping out
4. Quality time: spending time together with complete presence
5. Physical touch: gestures of affection, hugs, touch

Knowing your loved ones’ love language can make an enormous difference to the emotional bank account of the relationship. Because what you give is entirely received.

Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages

How can you know the love language of another person?

You can ask or observe what someone does. People tend to express their love and appreciation in the way they prefer it themselves.

You can try things out and observe their reaction. Knowing that these differences exist is already a good start to experiment with this aspect of relating.

Being appreciative and mindful about how you interact with your colleagues, friends, and loved ones will make a tremendous difference in all of your relationships. You will build solid foundations of trust and goodwill. When the day comes when you make a mistake, you hurt someone, or there are differences, you will have earned enough credit on your balance to not damage the relationship too severely.

Do not limit this to love relationships. Your children, friends, family, and colleagues’ love language can boost the quality of any relationship.

If you want to get deeper into these subjects, here are the links to the websites of Gottman and Chapman. Both relationships therapists did huge contributions to our understanding of healthy relating. Dr. Stephen R. Covey is the father of the term The Emotional Bank account. Gratitude for all their deep work.

• John Gottman www.gottman.com
• Gary Chapman www.5lovelanguages.com/5-love-languages
• Dr. Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families